Hm. School anyway

Posted on January 20, 2012 by Sara

Met with my adviser today….who suggested I drop out of one of my classes! She said its to much to take in one qrt and still work and she’s worried about me being successful.

Not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, she has my best interest at heart but on the other….i’m not 19. I know what I can handle and what I cant….and really, my GPA sort of shows that, right?

Now, I have to do well this qrt so that I can go back and SHOW her. :)

No, really – she was very sweet and did really want me to do well. It just was weird to feel like I had to justify my class selection. And I have taken a large class load before and had to drop some things….but i’m pretty well prepared this qrt.

Speaking of which, I have more math to do. :)

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Five little rules

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Sara

Five rules to live by. I read them in this months running times and I love them.

First; Show up.

How true is it that life is 75% just showing up? I think pretty true.  For me, in life it means go to class even when I think its a waste of time. Do my run even if I feel like i’m to tired to make it worth the effort.  Show up to happy hour with friends even if i’ve something else to do.  Show up not only to get a head, but show up to enrich your life.

Second; Tell the truth.

For me, telling the truth to others isnt that hard. I mean, really, we’ve been working on this one since kindergarten - right?  But telling the truth to ourselves is the struggle.  Sometimes I find there is a fine line between telling myself the truth and having low self esteem.  Sometimes the truth can be pleasant too. And sometimes when the truth isnt pleasant, it can be okay to just let it be what it is. Either way, the start of that equation is truth.  And, really, i’d rather be “eh” honestly than “FANTASTIC” and faking it.

Third; Pay Attention

This is another thing I try real hard to do. Observe life and the people in it.  Working on the psych unit of a hospital, you learn to watch people pretty quick.  Watch them well and always.  It makes you an observer of people.  But what about paying attention to yourself that much too?  Now that’s something i’m working on.

Forth; Do your best

Really, can we ask for any more than that?

Fifth; Dont be to attached to the outcome.

I LOVE THIS RULE.  To me its all encompassing.  If I’ve payed attention and done my best and been honest and SHOWED up…well, then the outcome is what it is.  This is actually pretty hard….I get so wrapped up in what my life will be like WHEN.  What it will feel like…WHEN.  How about what it feels like now?  What about life being the journey and not the destination?

I cant tell you how many times I’ve done something and it turned out totally different than I thought it would.  And most of the time, that’s not a bad thing at all.  I think about this a lot in regard to my career change and about running.  I have no idea what my life, body, mind, living situation, or money will look like in 5 years.  No matter how much I want to know.  So…why am I so invested in it turning out how I want it too?  Really, I dont get to decide that.  I just have to show up, be honest, try my best and pay attention.  The rest will be what its suppose to be. :)

 

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Here’s the thing…

Posted on January 15, 2012 by Sara

I’m basically planning my death.  I am doing a half marathon in 16.75 weeks.  I can currently run about a mile and a half without stopping. if I run SLOW.

I’m going to die.  I NEED to be more serious about this training thing. Its just SO much easier to take a nap, or eat something terrible for myself.

Yep, gonna die.  when I think of it, I get a little upset tummy.  Lord. I need to think of something else.  I wonder if we have any chocolate?

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With the new year, may it bring new insite.

Posted on January 1, 2012 by Sara

At work this AM, after 5 hours of sleep. I’m trying to get more sleep these days but it doesn’t look like last night will qualify. It was a fun night and well worth the effort it took to wake up this morning.

Work is mellow and calm (as calm as can be expected on the psych floor) and that leaves me with way too much time to sit and plan. Plan how my life will be. Organize and categorize and make sure that I’m prepared for all things that *could* happen to me. Or around me. Or for me. It’s a little annoying being stuck in my head.

I was thinking this morning about the impression we leave with people. There are often times when I’m thinking of something off topic and someone I just said good morning too (in what I thought was a perfectly nice way) feels slighted due to my tone and or my smile (or lack of). And then, in reaction to my less than enthusiastic hello, they respond with the same lack of enthusiasm and then I think, “wow, they must not like me”. {this is the part where men feel grateful that they don’t have a female mind}

What I’m trying to say, in this very convoluted rambling way is, I am glad that today I’m aware of my tone, my smile, my body language and my words. I’m aware that they are powerful. I’m aware that I have the ability to make or break someone’s day with those words (or lack of).

Here’s the flip side of that awareness that I’m so grateful for. I have the ability to recognize that when person x doesn’t offer me the same smile, the same greeting, or the same body language – maybe….maybe it’s not about me. And maybe they are just planning how to rearrange their closet.

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Well 2011, I’m not sad you were here, but i’m ready to meet your cousin – 2012

Posted on December 31, 2011 by Sara

I like reflection and goals.  I try to use them frequently in daily life. Looking back on 2011, I’m proud of a lot of things that we have done.  I’m proud of the goals I set throughout the year, and how I’ve come to achieve a lot of them.  I’ve been able to right some previously wrong choices I’d made.  I’ve re-built friendships and tried to live in love rather than anger/hate.

That said, 2011 was a horribly heartbreaking year. 

2011 was the year that we decided we could no longer live with the parents.  It was the year we had to set boundaries with them and make choices for ourselves.  Logically, it’s not hard to set boundaries with people who are taking advantage of you. It’s not hard to call people out on lies and to put yourself and your well being in first place.  When you mix in dysfunctional habits and also love, dysfunctional or otherwise, this becomes anything but an easy decision.

We also lost some dear friends this year. Two wonderful people who are no longer on this earth, and whom I think about often.   I don’t know what to say about that other than its a hurt that keeps giving.  It’s a hurt that still can reduce me to tears at the most inappropriate moments. It’s also, selfishly, a reminder that this situation is only going to get worse – this losing friends.  It’s a reminder that we are ageing.  Something I can, for the most part, ignore on a daily basis.  Until mortality bitch slaps me in the face. 

Here are the bonuses.  No matter what happens in life, it seems that Gary and I grow closer.  We’ve had some relationship changes – intentional ones – but we (he and I) always remain one unit.  Some of those changes have been good, and some haven’t.  Some need a little work and some need a whole re-vamp.  We don’t have it all figured out, we are working on a road map as we go…but we always work together. :) That makes me proud.  I’m SUPER proud to be part of my marriage.  It’s by far the best thing I’ve ever been a part of.

My career has changed.  I was fortunate enough to get a wonderful job at a local hospital.  I’m learning a lot, I’m seeing from the inside what nursing will be.  I’m not 100% in love with nursing like I was before learned /saw the insiders view. But I’m still in love.  It’s at the worst of times a 60/40 split, and that….I can live with. :)

My family and friends are a huge constant in my life.  I love the support we have from them and I hope we give as much as we get. 

In the new year I plan a lot.  I plan to focus on running. I signed up for a half marathon in May and Gary and I are going to do one together in Dec/2012. I’m going to do the Triathlon at the grove again this year.  I’m going to learn how to play the piano.  I’m going to get good grades in school.  I’m going to work on myself, on making sure that I’m achieving all that I can / want to in this new year.  I’m going to try and be the healthiest I’ve ever been and its going to be a great year. I can feel it. :)

There are several things that my friend Billiam always said to me that ring true.  This is one, “for you, in this new year, I wish you enough.  I wish that you follow your dream and that you know I love you.”

Happy New Year, friends. :-) Be safe, be strong, and be around this year ’cause we are going to make it fun! :)

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Lets play; “what if”

Posted on October 15, 2011 by Sara

I sort of feel, lately, that my life has been about taking chances, about learning to trust, believe, and rely in/on myself.  So….what if I took that to another level?  What if I used the next few months to focus on primarily myself in all areas?

I’m already sort of doing that with school.  We have made a commitment to make my pre-req’s a priority so I feel like I’ve got a lot riding on me doing well there.  And now that I type that sentence I suddenly think I should quit blogging and get to homework! Here is the next question though….what if I did that in all areas? What if I could look at my self by the new year, and have these wonderful accomplishments done?  Instead of thinking, “wow, that went quick”.

Plus, I don’t know about ya’ll, but Halloween to New years is a tough time to take care of myself for some reason.  I always end up eating to much, drinking to much, and spending much more time pleasing others in the name of “the holidays” than I spend pleasing myself.

So, publicly, i’m making a vow.  I say publicly but about 4 people read my blog. Still; PUBLICLY. I am going to plan my meals, i’m going to plan my days with ME time.  I’m going to work on me. I”m going to worry less about dishes and laundry and making my share of the income and i’m going work on liking myself more, on stressing out less and on being peaceful.  During the HOLIDAYS, people.  During the Holidays. :)

Wish me luck!

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Working for a living…sort of.

Posted on October 1, 2011 by Sara

This week I go to part time.  I’m a little nervous about that…. I’ve always worked.  Gary has made more money than me the last three or four years but I’ve always contributed.  Now i’m consciously making a choice to contribute less. I know, with my brain that this is because i’m putting school first.  I know that Gary is 100% behind me.  I know that, in the long run (the very long run), I’ll have a degree and make “a grip o-money”.  Its still hard.

Which makes me wonder why?  Why is it so hard to let my husband lead and support us more than I support us?  Is it trust? Probably. Is it giving up my equal vote when it comes to money situations? Probably.  Which is, really, trust. Trusting him to consider my voice when I don’t fully feel that I have one.

The other trust issue is this; trusting myself to be able to finish school. To get good grades or to do well.  To remember shit.  Honestly, you guys, I am NOT a smart person. I really have been struggling with this stuff. I have to WORK to get good grades, even in simple classes, which makes me feel a little delayed.  It was always like that in school for me….I have to WORK.

I somehow missed a lot of….knowledge, as I was growing up.  Other things that I find out, people have known for years – without even trying.  For instance, I didn’t know who Carl Sagan is…err…was, it surprised me that we can’t recreate life (build a cell) because we clone (which turns out is taking dna and putting it in a cell to grow), I often can’t figure out what to do with apostrophes and/or how to spell, and I was under the impression that the “arcade” at the porn shop meant sexy pac man! It doesn’t, by the way. Do. Not. Go. Into. The. Arcade.

So, giving up my 40 hours a week means that I have to trust myself to put in the work its going to take to become a nurse.  Is it weird that I can trust Gary way more than I trust myself to see this through? Do other people do this? Do other people feel LESS THAN in almost everything they do?  I can do a lot, you guys. I can. I can organize a room, I can whip an office into an efficient running machine, I can find variances in the most clouded accounting, I can clean you up and treat you with respect while giving you a suppository…..but can I do things that take a BRAIN? That is the question.

And the answer….the answer is; we shall see.

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Stay hungry, Stay foolish

Posted on September 24, 2011 by Sara

Have you every watched Steve Jobs speech to the Stanford graduating class?  If not, you should. I’d Youtube it and embed it, but i’m not sure how to do that so you are going to have to search.  Its good and worth it, trust me.

Today, while being reminded of this speech on another blog, I got a text from my husband and soul mate commenting on my underwhelmed outlook on our life lately.  He’s right. 100%. Trust me when I tell you, our life is pretty busy and not something most people would associate with being underwhelmed.  Once you notice something is wrong, you have to be an adult and fix it, right?

Here’s my problem.  Rather than focus on myself, which is where the underwhelmed starts, I always focus on something else.  I’m feeling {insert emotion here} because {insert person here} is {insert verb here}. Sometimes those are valid….but usually they are about me not taking care of myself.  Not taking care of my emotional health, my physical health and / or my spiritual health.  And until I’m sure i’m on track with the former, I can never be sure if my instinct to blame others is valid or not.

Also, making sure i’m on track takes some time.  By the time i’m sure i’m okay and the feeling is valid, the above mentioned verb may have passed.  So if it was, in fact, valid – now I have to (as my brother Michael says) “get historical” to bring it up.  No one likes this.  All of this is EXHAUSTING.  This is what its like to live in my brain.  Its a terrible place, I tell you.

So now I have to spend time working on me.  I have to get very selfish and focus on what Sara needs.  I have to workout, I have to drink water, I have to journal (or blog) and I have to pray.  While i’m spending time doing these things less dishes get done, less bathrooms get cleaned, laundry piles up, dog is less adored, husband has to cook sometimes….you’d think the people/things in my life would feel neglected.  That’s the logical answer, right?  Take item X out of box A and put it in box B and box A has less.  Sometimes life isnt logical.

When I put myself first: when I journal, pray, workout, drink water….the people/things in my life are more content.  Weird, right? I’m not sure why.  Maybe because they truly love me and are happier when I’m happier? I’d like to think its because we are designed to put ourselves first.  We are designed to “stay hungry, stay foolish”, as Steve Jobs says.  We are designed to follow what puts a smile on our (and other’s) face.

So, today….this weekend….this week….that is my number one focus.  ME. :)

 

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Life really does move at the speed of a bullet

Posted on August 25, 2011 by Sara

I’m trying to catch up with my life….i’m hanging on for dear life.

Saturday, August 13th, I woke up thinking that it was going to be a wonderful and relaxing day.  I had one phone call about my In Law’s and I anticipated this conversation being the most stressful of my day.  Then I got a phone call that changed life.  Maybe not on a daily basis, but in the big picture for sure.

My dear friend, Bill….brother of my heart….died Saturday AM.  He was turning 37 on Tuesday the 16th.  His wife is pregnant with his child.  I love him more than he will ever know I did, I think, and he KNEW I loved him.  I hadn’t talked to him in three weeks….and I wished I had.  I wish that I could be more eloquent about this. I wish that I could write a blog that allows you to know exactly who Bill was. How big his heart was, how sharp his mind was, how giving his nature and how loyal his spirit was.

He was far from perfect. I always think its interesting how people forget that part in death….how the person they lost could also drive them insane.  Bill was born stubborn.  When he was right, there was no convincing him he was wrong.  Most of the time, he was actually right though.  He would tell you the same story OVER AND OVER. He would laugh with food in his mouth.  He smacked his lips.  He had a way of agreeing with you that also sometimes made you think he was doing the opposite. He kept score – always. He would win – maybe not the battle…but always the war.

But here’s what you should know about him; If you needed him, he was there. He always lived – and wanted you to live – for happiness.  He understood human nature in a way few people do.  He never let moss grow under his feet. If it sounded fun, he was going to do it – even if it was at 3 am. He understood that family is what you make it and its always made of love.  He LOVED. He loved with his whole heart….he never half ass-ed anything. If he was in, he was all in.  He was so patient….he could wait anything out.  A person trying to tell a story that went on forever, or a mouse out of a hole…he’d wait.  Sometimes, he let you pay back to him what he gave so freely to others.  He laughed.  He laughed with his whole heart and belly.  He would throw back his head and open his mouth and GUFFAW. He could walk into a room of people and have the time of his life.  His idea of a good time was a beer with some REAL people…people who would be honest and open and bull shit with him for a few hours, exchanging life experiences. He valued honest and open talk and feelings…with no agenda more than money or class or career.  He was SMART. He could do complex math problems in his head with zero thought – and in an instant.  He challenged himself, it was his hobby.  He gave amazing “all in” hugs.  He hugged with his soul.  He was my friend, my brother.  I love him.

He’s not physically here….but I feel him.  Its weird, and not something I like to try to verbalize (and I like to verbalize everything) but I know he’s with us.  I miss texting him…I miss getting a response….but I know he is there. There have been so many things that have happen, people coming together all over the country that might not have done so – and all because of Bill.  Its reminded me to turn off my phone and computer and Kindle in bed and cuddle with my husband and listen to his day.  Its reminded me to use my camera more, to remember our lives. Its reminded me that the simple things in life, like an “I love you” message from a friend – that’s the “good stuff”.  Its reminded me to give more of me…more of my spirit and more of my true self to those I see on a daily basis.

Bill didn’t have everything right and I think he is still probably working on some of that but he did have some things right.  He always supported, he always appreciated the basics, he lived the golden rule and he NEVER ended a conversation before saying, “I love you”.

I will honor him the way he would have wanted – by living, walking with, those same principles.

 

I love you.

 

 

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Friends that last a lifetime

Posted on August 10, 2011 by Sara

I’m leaving next week to spend sometime with my friend, Shawna, who I have been close to since I was in 5th grade. We were always friends, but got really close as adults, or rather, that really strange time between being a teen and becoming an adult. We found out at about 18 that we were going to be friends forever.  I haven’t seen much of her in the last few years – it seems that life gets in the way more than it should – and I’m going to do as much as I can to change that.

Then, i’m going to see my friend Cari – who, lets face it, makes me laugh and gets me more than most. I adore her and I admire her, and I want to BE her sometimes. :)

This trip has me thinking about my friends. I’ve had some that I thought were going to be there forever leave but all in all, i’m so blessed to have the friends I do.  The life long girl friends that walk with me through life, that keep me company in good times and in bad.  If friends were currency, i’d be a rich woman.

Thanks ladies, for being with me this whole time. I love you!

#Del#Amy#Cari#Shawna#Irene#Tracie#Sil#Marla

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